Leslie Lange's Langeworld

1. She applies Neosporin to her lips, openly complaining of “dryness”--or other total gross out maneuvers (fear of intimacy leads her to subconsciously repulse her date)

2. Uncomfortably prolonged eye contact (no boundaries)

3. Brings more than one gift (compensating for something)

4. Poor listener. Perseverative speaker. (narcissistic personality disorder)

5. Dangles material possessions as if to lure you in (low self-esteem)

6. Has more than two pets (animal addiction)

7. Is a graduate student (won’t have time for you)

8. Lies about being a smoker (a smoking liar!)

9. Is in an “open” relationship or dating more than one person (often most attractive to monogamous types)

10. Isn’t out of the closet yet (due for a nervous breakdown)

11. Tells multiple stories about friends who’ve wronged her, then moves on to her family, her employer, the government, and finally the system (has a victim mentality and down the road will be telling the same stories about you)

12. Spends a lot of time talking about her ex, or has been breaking up with the same woman for the last seven years (unfinished business syndrome)

13. Stands up in the middle of dinner to perform a series of yoga poses (she’s wack)

Of course, a lesbian may decide she doesn’t care about finding a relationship and simply wants to knock boots. However, this attitude can easily lead to a state of premature in-the-sack elation (P.I.E), a condition which renders her giddy--which is good--but incapable of making sound judgments--which is bad.