13-May-2006
1) You come first. Literally. Be selfish. Go into the evening/morning/midday/whenever knowing this. Do not be ashamed. Stay away from anyone you might actually get all mushy about. Remember: This is all about the “o” factor, honey. You’re on a mission. Stay focused. Have no mercy. Men do this all the time, so sack up and get out there.
2) Target-wise, drag is good. We’re not talking about the svelte, model-perfect androgynous type lingering in the well-lit corner. No sir, that one’s trouble (unless you’re feeling extremely lucky, in which case, you go, sister). I’m talking about the woman in the somewhat ill-fitting suit wearing a nice tie. The nice tie (learn your fabrics: Armani, Burberry, etc.) is a clue that she has the ability to pay for dinner, a hotel room, and that she has a little style (you may also kink out later and have her tie you up with it…your choice). Though her woman’s body doesn’t quite jive with the cut of a 3 button Ralph Lauren (to be expected, generally), the whole drag thing, well, you know, means she needs what you’ve got. Probably.
3) Think of your box as if it’s Fort Knox, like it’s a turquoise deal from Tiffany’s tied with a white silky bow. I don’t care if you’re wearing thrift store togs and are tubby as plain vanilla pudding, walk in like your pubes are made of mink. Confidence will open doors, especially to the bedroom.
4) Hand-in-hand with “cunt confidence” is good hygiene. Aside from the standard medical maintenance, keep a good path in the forest. Shaving’s OK, but may leave you dry-humping the Xerox machine to relieve the second-day itch. I’ve found that a pair of small beauty scissors works best. Next, use a good perfume, and not a lot of it. If you can’t afford anything above Windsong, head to a department store counter and get some samples. Even one good spritz of Christian Dior on a sample card is plenty to rub on the hair downstairs…and only the hair.
5) When time is limited, use a nice lube to kick start things. And think of Anjelina Jolie.
6) Consider older women. They’re generally more experienced and are good cooks. Also, they’re not Paris Hilton, so more likely to enjoy spoiling over being spoiled. In short, they’re less demanding for “reciprocation” and may engage in great conversation after shaking down your tree.
7) Stay complimentary before, during, and after your partner’s, uh, “performance.” By compliments, I mean sounds, really, really loud sounds, as much as actual sentences. Feel free to give directions, but always try to sound porn-movie happy when you do it.
8) Be gracious, but be gone. Leave a note, a flower, a personalized thank you note if you like, but don’t stick around. Run out for a pack of smokes and don’t return. Also helpful: Keep spare underwear in your glove box. It can save you valuable escape time.
